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I normally would just dismiss this piece of “news”, but I just feel like I need to get this off my chest. Nicholas Sparks is a terrible writer. This should not be news. He writes books that are basically Nora Roberts novels with bigger words. Nora Roberts, for those lucky folks who aren’t in the know, is the embodiment of everything that is bad and gross about the publishing world – she has “written” 203 books in 30 years (that’s an average of 6+ books a year), mostly romance with some thriller cookie-cutter nonsense thrown in the mix.  Flushable in every sense of the word. Nicholas Sparks has given us scorchers like The Notebook (I tried to read this to see what all the fuss was when it came out and was offended at how awful it was), Dear JohnThe Lucky One and The Last Song all of which were adapted by Hollywood. His newest novel, The Best of Me, will now be given the big screen treatment. Pardon me while I hold back my retching.

Hey Channing – sorry to interrupt your sexy moment, but have you read my new novel? I can guarantee you it’s the best ever written…because I’m the awesomest.

The Best of Me is actually an apt title for a Sparks book, who is his own biggest fan. In an interview with USA Today in 2010, he said when asked what his favorite tale of youth was, he replied, “I think A Walk to Remember.” That’s one of his own shitty creations consequently made into a film starring acting powerhouse Mandy Moore. He also stated, “There are no authors in my genre. No one is doing what I do.” Umm, Nick,  I hate to say this to you, but yes, there are many authors who are doing exactly what you’re doing, churning out shit novel after shit novel – go to your local bookstore (if there are any left near you) and have a look at the romance section. They are doing what you’re doing without all of the pretense. Who do you think you’re kidding?

In this same interview, he called American literary treasure Cormac McCarthy “horrible” and “overrated.” I guess that Pultizer Prize he won for The Road was a fluke. That his novel Blood Meridian was voted the third best novel written in the last 25 years according to the New York Times behind only Nobel Prize winner Toni Morrison’s Beloved and Don DeLillo’s Underworld (best novel ever in my opinion) must be luck. The fact that he is nominated yearly for the Nobel Prize for Literature must also be an anomaly since he’s so overrated and all. Let’s not forget he wrote No Country for Old Men which happened to be adapted (nearly word for word by the Coen Brothers) into a film that won four Oscars, including Best Picture and Best Adapted Screenplay. It is movie that will likely be viewed for years to come as an important piece of art…much like the adaptation of The Last Song, right Nick? Pssst…it has a 19% rating on Rotten Tomatoes compared to a 95% rating for No Country for Old Men. While I know that film adaptations aren’t the novels, Nicky did write the script for The Last Song and that counts for a lot. I guess we can compare ratings even more when McCarthy’s script for The Counselor makes it to theaters.

I’m overrated, Nick? Your mom is overrated…

It crushes me when someone who sucks so much in their own medium jumps to another and flourishes (Justin Timberlake – I’m looking directly at your tired ass). The only scenario that I can think of that would be a comparable suck-jump from film to novels is if Michael Bay would become a novelist and sell tons of books. We all know Michael Bay is terrible, not just as a director, but as a person too. He and Sparks are kindred spirits. Perhaps they’ll work together in the future. It would only make sense if that did come to fruition. Commence the apocalypse.

Rant over.